Kacper Kaźmierczak
My Identity, My Rules

young man on the stairs - conversation graphic
Kacper Kaźmierczak, photo Grzegorz Dembński
Kacper Kaźmierczak
My Identity, My Rules

Have you always been this eloquent?

From an early age, I recorded all sorts of things on video. And as you record things, you add spoken commentary. And as you do that, you gain experience. Even in my Catholic primary school, I would moderate school assemblies.

Catholic?

Yes, at Poznań's Blessed Five Salesian School Complex, to be exact.

I would never have guessed you went to a Catholic school.

Its graduates generally fall into one of two groups. One is the people who remain on their knees; members of the other come out determined to sever all ties with Catholicism. It's hard to be somewhere in between. That's how religious education works - you either love it or hate it.

Was there anything you liked about it?

You can't deny that the Salesians knew how to build a sense of community.

You went to their primary school, so it wasn't your choice.

No, it was my parents'. I imagine they were drawn to the school's solid reputation and high rankings, although the religious aspect also played a role. My parents weren't overly devout, but they were believers, and I suppose they wanted to raise me as one too-both believing and practising. As you can see, that didn't quite work out. I left the Salesian school as neither a believer nor a practising Catholic.

How was this school different from others on a daily basis?

Probably in that every day started with a prayer, there was always one church holiday or another to celebrate, which required attending Mass. For instance, we celebrated Angel Day, with everyone getting dressed in white and wearing home-made wings and halos. There were also plenty of tours and rallies because the Salesians have schools all over Poland. A lot of it seems funny in hindsight, but I think these events had great community-building value. I felt part of it-at least up to a point.

What point was that?

When I realised my sexual orientation, I felt increasingly an outsider, mainly because of the teachers, who projected a conservative Catholic worldview. That was the first time I felt unwelcome in the school.

Were there any openly queer students?

There was one, and I watched how that played out. And what I saw was relentless bullying-mainly verbal-from other students, while the teachers did absolutely nothing to stop it. At the time, I didn't fully understand wbhat made me tick yet-I must have been about ten-but I already saw myself as an ally to such people.

What did that mean in practice?

For example, when everyone in class laughed at Conchita Wurst, the "bearded woman" representing Germany in Eurovision, I tried to defend her the only way a child could. I said she looked amazing and that she sang beautifully. I also remember standing up for MP Anna Grodzka when people called her a transvestite.

Weren't you afraid that might make people suspect something about you?

No. I just believed-ironically, shaped by my Catholic schooling-that you should defend those who are weak, and who are attacked and insulted. Back then, I felt firmly rooted in heteronormativity-both through school and my parents. It hadn't even crossed my mind that I might not fit into that mould. Though years later, my mum told me she had always known I was different, because as a child, I used to put on my grandma's pearls and high heels.

Looking at your style now, that all makes sense.

It certainly does now but school was different. We wore uniforms. Honestly, I didn't start dressing more boldly until recently. Even in secondary school, I wasn't daring, and I wasn't some flamboyant figure in the Chartowo district, where I grew up, raised by two women-my mum and my grandma-since my parents had split up. Chartowo is a big housing estate made up of blocks of flats, a bit bleak and colourless, but it always felt safer to me than, say, Łazarz. And that's still true today.

You were born in 2004. You belong to a generation that has never known life without the internet.

That's true-I've been on social media for as long as I can remember. But my parents restricted my internet access, and in hindsight, I'm grateful to them for that. It meant I could develop my creativity and imagination through other activities. My room was full of toys, and over time, it started filling up with amateur film and photography equipment, which became an important part of my life during secondary school. A lot of that was down to my dad-whenever he visited, he often took me to the cinema. Ironically, the pandemic, which hit just as I started secondary school, also played a big role in nurturing my passion. Seclusion and an abundance of spare time encouraged me to experiment with filmmaking.

When did you first come out?

I was about fifteen, about to graduate from primary school. I told my mum, "There's this boy..."-and that's how it started. The boy lived just outside of Poznań, and I wanted to be able to visit him. That's when my mum said she had always known. Even so, she struggled with the idea of me seeing a boy. I suppose it's because I was a bit of a mummy's boy. She was not particularly fond of the LGBT+ community, which she viewed with suspicion, maybe even as a modern-day Sodom and Gomorrah.

Did that affect your relationship?

There's no denying that it became strained. I was trying to explore the world, and that scared the life out of my overprotective mum. I generally felt uneasy about the fact that she didn't fully accept it-that something wasn't quite right, even though on the surface, everything seemed fine. When I later introduced a boyfriend to her in secondary school, I could sense her pulling away. And before we attended our first Pride Parade together, she was hesitant and fearful-mostly, I think, because she worried it would turn into something like the one in Białystok. Long story short, my mum gets anxious about me.

What impact did being part of the community have on you?

A huge one. For the first time, I felt I was among my own people and that I wanted to engage with this community more frequently and more meaningfully. I started going to Lokum on ul. Półwiejska-though, sadly, I had to keep it a secret from my mum. So it was a bittersweet experience: on the one hand, it felt amazing to be there; on the other, I had to lie about where I was. That was when the closet started feeling a bit too tight, and I began coming out to more of my friends at Paderek, the high school I attended.

When did your queer style transformation happen?

It was a slow process. The more confident I felt, the more I experimented-first, a single earring, then another, then a flashier outfit, then painted nails, a bolder hairstyle.

I have a feeling your mum didn't approve.

When she saw my first earrings, she told me to leave the house, take them off, and throw them away-which, of course, I didn't do. I sat on a bench outside, right opposite our window, and then my dad called out, telling me to take them off. I refused-my body, my identity, my rules. My mum had no choice but to let me back in. And just to be clear, this wasn't some traumatic experience for me-I actually found it funny, which is why I tell it as an anecdote now.

How did people at school react?

Not bad at all, quite the opposite, actually. I ended up making more female friends, and I was even elected student council president. I was so involved in youth issues that I was also elected vice-chair of the Youth City Council. Today, I'm on the board of the Varia Posnania Foundation, whose members work to promote student governance and empower young people.

How is your relationship with your mum today?

We're in a completely different place. In 2023, we attended the Pride Parade together, and she absolutely loved it-she had fun, laughed, got emotional, met my friends. People kept coming up to us. It was a breakthrough moment for our relationship-really positive. Last year, we went again, and we're planning to go this year too.

Have you ever experienced hostility in Poznań for being eccentric?

Most of the reactions I get are positive-just once, a few years ago, a guy on a tram harassed me. Of course, sometimes when I head home late at night, I wonder if I should tone it down a bit. But that'd be a dead end. I want to look the way I feel, the way I like to be. Maybe I'll even inspire a young queer person who sees me and realises that it's possible to live this way-because why not? Especially in Poznań, a city that gives me a great sense of comfort and allows me to be who I am. And it's not just how I see it. I love it when, while traveling, someone asks where I'm from, and when I say Poznań, they respond, "Oh, the rainbow capital of Poland!" As a queer native of Poznań, born and raised here, that makes me very proud.

A native of Poznań who's also a university student?

I studied European Law at Adam Mickiewicz University, but it wasn't for me, so I dropped out. Next year, I plan to enrol in journalism. I'm most interested in blending journalism with social media (especially video), an area in which I'm very active, as you are well aware. I make short-film content, but I'm also working on something bigger-a documentary film about Poznań's Pride Parades. This project helps me hone my skills and is also a way to explore history that would otherwise feel distant and unfamiliar. I want to understand that history, because we're building on what previous generations have fought for. Poznań didn't become a rainbow city overnight-it's important to know how it all got started.

What has making this film taught you?

That this queer-friendly world is actually quite new. And that Poznań used to be very conservative. I never experienced that side of it, so it's hard for me to even imagine. I was shocked to see footage of the early Pride Parades. They were held in autumn with scarce turnout, and they faced fierce attacks. It feels quite unreal that the Poznań of my birth and today's Poznań are one and the same.